Looking forward to a better tommorow

Continuing with my saving grace.  As it was told to me, when I was only three months old, my mother dumped on her grandmother's doorstep and run off out of town.  She only woke up on a rainy day, only to find a baby wrapped in the blanket with the message " i can not take the shame.

The story goes like this:  My mother was also the first born to my grandmother and grandfather, after my grangmother's marriage broke down, she was forced to leave her child behind.... who off course became my mother.  My grandfather married another wife who was a little older than my grandmother, who as news broke out, had infact been going out with him beforehand. According to the family my mother stayed with the stepmother and the father, needless to say much a lot went on to the point when my mother had to be married off.  This was the beginning of my being dumped to my mother's grandmother's doorstep (mother's side)..... a family shame I suspect which to this day has never been denied nor acknowledged.

I grew up with this lovely lady, knowing no other as a parent and was happy at that.  Until I started going to the kindergarten.... where I was constantly refered to as a bastard child.... an abominable child, evil... and list goes on.  To say the least At that moment in time I really did not have much to think about, nor did I have the intelligency to indulge into any conspiracy theories.... infact apart from crying at the time of the insult, nothing ever stayed in my mind. Because everytime I went back home, I had a greatgrandmother who I called mum showering with love..... and I would instantly forget everything that went on during the day, soon as I got home..... Life was fine.  Until one fateful day...... I was six years old when I came back  home from my kindergarten only to find that my "mummy" was wrapped in white sheets and nose bloked with cotton wool.  The picture is so clear  in my head...to my dying day. 

That was indeed the beginning of my sad story, because until then I had not known sadness nor did I know pain.  I was the sun and moon of that lady.... I do not remember crying for anything nor do i remember feeling lost or needy. 
My nightmare began on that very day. The only mother I had known all my life, who was indeed my great grandmother had died..... I felt lost, but was too young to actually contemplate anything at the time.  I was six years old going to seven.  I got passed from one family member to another, each with their own interpretation of me.  My life changed from  happy/cushy to abuse. 
By the time I was seven years old, I had already been sexually abused by my two  uncles (blood uncles).... my mother's younger brothers.... each threatening that if I said a word i would have my ears and lips cut out and my eyes pierced...... now try and fight that at seven???.
The abuse did not stop there, I got sent to my autie's house supposedly to go back to school at the age of nine, but it did not happen, instead I became a housemaid.  My demons still did not leave me. coz one night as my auntie went into labour at the hospital the husband came back  wanting to rape me.... I screemed so hard, luckily i was in a shared accommodation and the lady next door heard my cry, better yet she was the landlady, when she knocked on the door the man claimed that i was having a bad dream.  This did not go down well after my auntie came back from the hospital, by that time I was almost twelve.  My auntie sent me packing and I was sent to another city to another auntie of mine.  Good for them their mother gave birth to eight of them.

Anyway reaching out to my new mistress, I lived on the third floor with yet another one of my auntie.  I became a personal slave to her and her children.  Funnyly enough my birthmother who is of course her sister lived on the next block of flats, but was always travelling, so the family used to take the micky at me: like ooooh the unwanted child.... the mother is busy cruising the world and am busy living from one doorstep to the next.  At the time i did not know what excactly they meant, but after a while it sank in, of course, with the help of their daily dosage of insults.......

As time went on my life became more and more difficult.  The day of the day came when i was cleaning (my biological mother's apartment...) when he brother-in -law decided he would rape me....
I was 14yrs old, just had my first period days before.  Now I had been raped before, the memory does not just erase from the brain.  Suddenly I felt myself going back to seven years before.  I became withdrawn and quiet, but it was all put down to puberty.  The attacker who was indeed my biological mother's brother -in-law threatened me that If I said a word no one would believe me.... and warned me to keep my mouth shut.  Of course drawing from the past, I knew it to be correct so I kept quiet and suffered in silence. 

Never thought anything about it until six months later when it was realized that I was indeed almost six months pregnant.  I tried to kill myself by overdossing on anything that I could find in the medicine cabinet.  But I just could not die..... journey begins here............