i’m sitting in the same place, and remembering how broken i felt. it’s been almost a month. my train made an unexpected stop, booted me off, and everything disappeared in a blink. until i got away. and realized, what really matters, deep within, and without, did not disappear. something broke, certainly, and i was forced off the path of least resistance. i knew the path of least resistance wouldn’t help me grow. without adversity, i would never have a chance to prove who i have become, and continue to become more. i think back on my inability to sleep, on the rock of sorrow in my stomach, the fear creeping up my limbs. i thought that would be forever. the pain of loss would chase me. and it did. but it got quieter. it backed away. as my body began to realize i would wake each morning, and care for my children, and continue on my path, whatever it may be, the loss seemed further away. i started to feel calm. peace. release. i’ve held on to anxiety too long, blaming every one of his faults on me. now, they aren’t mine. no tension. i am. pretty close to ohm.
back in these same 4 walls, what was once home, i’ve been busily packing up the sundries of the old life, preparing for the new. the superfluous is culled, the useful and necessary catalogued in my head and packed safely. i thought that as i slowed down, i would feel the brokenness, the pain. my plan to keep myself forever busy and never face any emotion contained herein was thwarted by a sick toddler and a sickening child. i sit, holding a half comatose infant unable to rest outside my arms, and i’m still. i’m facing it all now, and feeling the expected twinge of pain, but nothing i can’t move beyond. i’m not riding the roller coaster anymore… i’m sitting aside, watching him ride, waiting for him to decide if he really wants to get off. i don’t think he really does. i’ve been waiting for so long, and i’m not a fan of the waiting place. i’m taking steps away, still within his calling range, still within his sight. still with love i can’t understand radiating to him, wanting him to be happy and safe. wanting him to become who he is, instead of stalling himself. i have to become who i am to become. i can’t allow the waiting place to hold me any longer.
what is ahead is beyond my sight, but ahead i must move. i can never have back what was, and that no longer hurts. i’m focusing on becoming. it is time.
