This isnt really a blog for all to read... I needed an outlet, and this was the first online blog I could find.  I realize now that I cant really cultivate my thoughts probably unless put into writing.

I've been living the largest of lies... A self professed Christian, who cant seem to put actions behind words.  When was the last time I really sought after God, and when was the last time I read the Bible to hear from Him, and to learn about Jesus, and to just get closer to the one who brought me out of bondage?

Its so easy at times to just live the lifestyle, and not put anything behind it.... There has always been an urgancy in my heart (the very thing that I keep praying for, something to bring me back to my knees), but I chose to ignore it more times than not.... Its easy to get caught up in the daily routine of things... especially when you are a wife, a mother, and a career woman. 

Truth is... from the outside, you could say that my life is pretty well as "christian" as it gets.  I go to church 2 times a sunday, I have a christian husband, christian siblings and parents and inlaws.  I go to prayer meeting, I am involved in leadership of the youth group, I dont hang out in places I shouldnt, nor am I involved in any "questionable" behavior.. It all looks pretty good, pretty cookie cutter, from the outside.

Inside, inside is this place of emptiness... a place where there are no fake smiles, or "God Bless You"s ... Nope, inside is just the bare walls... the vast of nothingness that plagues me from day to day. 

 Now, being raised in a Christian home, and having gone through my share of trials, I have roots that I planted and grounded myself in years ago, and they still hold fast, but thats it... thats whats there, I am trying to survive on decade old roots that havent been watered or pruned in years. 

My favorite verse is found in isaiah, and it says that "you shall be like a well-watered garden, a spring whose waters never fail" - how I long for that to be the truth of my everyday. 

I find it so hard to just captivate my thoughts long enough to really pray, and not just prays of need or want, but prayers that expose my inner most being, prayers that mess me up and change me, and glorify God. How I want to be able to read Gods Word and not just mark off a box on my reading calander, but to read it and mark off something in my heart, something that speaks to me and encourages me, something that teaches me more about who my Maker is, and just how much He loves me!

I want to be able to say this year that I fell in love with God all over again! That I didnt forget my first love. I want to be able to speak those words and mean them with every ounce of me... the way you feel them when you say your vowes on your wedding day... I want to feel it in my soul, and know it in my heart... and be unable to contain it in my body! I want to Love God...