Unmarked Grave- A time to change and a time to let go

Change is never easy. I may call myself "Change Writer", because I am so intent on changes for causes and wrongs in society. Sometime though, the change has to come from within. That type of change is the hardest. How can one proceed in an endeavor to change the world or make a mark, when one has bucked changed in ones own life?

In my life, being able to change means I have to let go. I have resisted this time coming for so long. The hurt in my heart held up only by my pride has not allowed me to let go of some things which I must let go of. The time has now come and it will wait no longer.

For myself it is the time to let go of an illusion, of a fantasy. I must let go of what never really was. I must understand that marriage isn't always marriage, especially if it was never true. I must realize that sometimes we are used and we use. We allow an illusion of memories held to settle in places it should not.

I was in love once. I rode on that love, as if it was my salvation- the last frontier. Though it was untrue I married that love, to tie it to myself. I cared not whether agony came or pains were so cruel that I should not survive. I dared life and love and laughter. I, ONLY I, did that. I made a mess that I could not clean up. I wept alone, but kept my chin up. For why should all know I am a failure? I have failed. I hurt people that did not deserve it. I allowed my little fantasy world to reign above their pain. How should that be forgiven? How could I be forgiven?

I pretended that my fantasy was real, that love really existed. I have pretended all these years. I have held on to any vestige of happiness to fuel the thought of that illusion. But, there is NOTHING pretty about that love. If ever there was a window to look out of, that is where beauty came in. Inside remained only cold, usury, revenges, lusts, and what is not of love.

I have not had love. There was never a love. This realization at this very late moment breaks my soul further into tiny jagged little pieces. I am bleeding and healing before you. I am saying I am SO very sorry. I am sorry for my selfishness, for my blindness, for making any of the innocent look upon what was only hurt.

He is unworthy. He is not good. He is being sent away by my soul, as he has sent away so many souls before me. I am strong now, and bid him a solemn goodbye. He is not allowed here any longer. The feeling for this in my heart is closed. I try do right by those hurt by him. Be gone always.

As I stand before this grave of time, I pour mud upon that life and all its memories- good, bad or indifferent. I pour mud upon them for me, for you, for them, for all. It will now be buried in the sepulchers of nothingness and emptiness. This tomb deserves no name, only an unmarked place of what once happened far far away.