“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – e e cummings
make my life mean something. it is the mantra that keeps me moving.
i laugh, i love, i have fun. in my forward motion and in the quiet
moments, i think of ways to make sure in the future, my life is about
giving others more life. more laughter, more love. to be a smiling face
in a moment of sadness. to be a calming touch in a moment of fear. to
be a hopeful voice in a moment of dread. if i could reach just one
person and show them how precious they are… i would have done a great
good. but that being outside of my scope, i focus on small good things.
anything. just to be good. to have a life of change. to shine. that is
my wish.
this year i will no longer allow myself to be held down by the weight
of a so called reality devoid of my power to change. blocks place
themselves before me to stumble my path in doing the good. it’s taken
me 3 months to get in the volunteer program for the labor and delivery
ward at trinity. finally, i’m scheduled for the training. i need to be
connected to something that will satisfy my desire to reach people. in
the meantime, i do what i can each day, to help someone with a task. to
pick up trash on my walks. today, i smiled at 4 people, played with 2
children(not my own) at the laundrymat, and did everything in my power
to radiate positive energy to the world. i’m taken for a whole lot more
of a looney here than in blairsville because i’m so personable, though
at least i still live in the south… i now have that small town in me,
waving and smiling to strangers. whew i get some strange looks
sometimes. i was strange enough in blairsville… darting around taking
photos of whatever suits me (to the tune of, what is she doing now? i’m
thinking, why don’t they see the beautiful way the sunset is lighting
the trees?), and taking recycling to the recycling center (and having
people in the apartment complex say what are you doing?!), and having a
greenhouse for a balcony(we spent most of the spring and summer on the
porch… ) i’m too progressive to fit in small towns, but i don’t seem to
fit much more here. i just haven’t gotten out much … i have found a few
new friends who accept me anyway, so i’m much more comfortable. but
comfortable or not, i continue on. lately, i dance around the stumbling
blocks, using my addiction to music to aid my rhythm. i’ve never felt
on the swell of so much good before. something clicked in me, and while
i’m still of a dark and somewhat cynical humor, i will no longer allow
the hopeless feeling to taint my thoughts. in and out they will go. i
will not be falsely sweet so fear not a change to sickly vapid shallow
happiness. ha. i’m no longer afraid of who i am. i love. it is who i
am. it’s weird, and people who get to know me eventually get scared
away by it because i have such a capacity for intensity. but it’s ok.
it’s still what i need to be. the thoughtful, caring, geeky, helpful,
hopeful, intense, sincere and strange person i am. greetings world. i
am becoming.
“oh it’s probably plain to see
that i got a whole lot of pain in me
and it will always remain in me
so cold, it’s a cryin shame
yet here i am, tryin again
cause i refuse to die in vain
the circumstances put soul in me
and there ain’t no holdin me
i’ve got a heart made of gold in me
ha, can you believe this is where i been?
and when adversity comes again
i’ll deal with it then
i feel better, i can laugh at it now
i feel better, heh, oh better,
even a little is still better,
oh have mercy on me” - a little better by gnarls barkley
now, what can i do to help you?
