“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” – e e cummings

make my life mean something. it is the mantra that keeps me moving. i laugh, i love, i have fun. in my forward motion and in the quiet moments, i think of ways to make sure in the future, my life is about giving others more life. more laughter, more love. to be a smiling face in a moment of sadness. to be a calming touch in a moment of fear. to be a hopeful voice in a moment of dread. if i could reach just one person and show them how precious they are… i would have done a great good. but that being outside of my scope, i focus on small good things. anything. just to be good. to have a life of change. to shine. that is my wish.
this year i will no longer allow myself to be held down by the weight of a so called reality devoid of my power to change. blocks place themselves before me to stumble my path in doing the good. it’s taken me 3 months to get in the volunteer program for the labor and delivery ward at trinity. finally, i’m scheduled for the training.  i need to be connected to something that will satisfy my desire to reach people. in the meantime, i do what i can each day, to help someone with a task. to pick up trash on my walks. today, i smiled at 4 people, played with 2 children(not my own) at the laundrymat, and did everything in my power to radiate positive energy to the world. i’m taken for a whole lot more of a looney here than in blairsville because i’m so personable, though at least i still live in the south…  i now have that small town in me, waving and smiling to strangers. whew i get some strange looks sometimes.  i was strange enough  in blairsville… darting around taking photos of whatever suits me (to the tune of, what is she doing now? i’m thinking, why don’t they see the beautiful way the sunset is lighting the trees?), and taking recycling to the recycling center (and having people in the apartment complex say what are you doing?!), and having a greenhouse for a balcony(we spent most of the spring and summer on the porch… ) i’m too progressive to fit in small towns, but i don’t seem to fit much more here. i just haven’t gotten out much … i have found a few new friends who accept me anyway, so i’m much more comfortable. but comfortable or not, i continue on. lately, i dance around the stumbling blocks, using my addiction to music to aid my rhythm. i’ve never felt on the swell of so much good before. something clicked in me, and while i’m still of a dark and somewhat cynical humor, i will no longer allow the hopeless feeling to taint my thoughts. in and out they will go. i will not be falsely sweet so fear not a change to sickly vapid shallow happiness. ha. i’m no longer afraid of who i am. i love. it is who i am. it’s weird, and people who get to know me eventually get scared away by it because i have such a capacity for intensity. but it’s ok. it’s still what i need to be. the thoughtful, caring, geeky, helpful, hopeful, intense, sincere and strange person i am. greetings world. i am becoming.

“oh it’s probably plain to see
that i got a whole lot of pain in me
and it will always remain in me
so cold, it’s a cryin shame
yet here i am, tryin again
cause i refuse to die in vain
the circumstances put soul in me
and there ain’t no holdin me
i’ve got a heart made of gold in me
ha, can you believe this is where i been?
and when adversity comes again
i’ll deal with it then

i feel better, i can laugh at it now
i feel better, heh, oh better,
even a little is still better,
oh have mercy on me” - a little better by gnarls barkley

now, what can i do to help you?