So Im sitting here, eating Babybel Gouda and Ovation chocolate sticks, as I sip my cold coffee and enjoy the hum of my washing machine. Time to myself...sometimes I dont value it as much as I should.

Life has become so complex lately. Like I got fastfowarded and didnt know it.... Anyone seen Bill and Teds Amazing Adventure.... A comparison I'd never thought I'd make. 

Things seem to be getting out of hand.. like Im slowly losing grip on what I thought I understood.  My husband hasnt had permanent employement for a few months now, and I am now finished my maternity leave and am back to work.  Our youth group has recently started up after the Christmas holiday break. My daughter is almost a year old, and I dont remember where the week has gone!

I always thought that my life would look different.  Growing up, I wasnt in need, but I wasnt spoiled.... we were in the middle, the norm... but oh  how I ha envied those who's parents could afford everything.  I always wanted to work in a corporate office, have the great house thats designed just so, the right furniture (I know, I know, how is it that a self professing Christian would long for such material things).  But it wasnt that I wanted them to show them off, or to say that I have them... to me, it just makes me feel good. I enjoy the finer things, I enjoy making things look nice, I love to design and create, and I just thought that it would reflect in my lifestyle and in my home.   And instead, I sit here, penny pinching, and wishing for the things that I wish I had. (We arent poor, but I just cant justify money spent if we arent in a position to really spend it).  I've wanted to find some new placemats for about 6 months left, and I am still waiting for that permanent job for my husband before I spend a penny.

How shallow am I? To be writing about such things, and to know that there are millions who are with sooo much less than I have.  My own personality tears at me... becuase I am not shallow, Im such a caring person, and I am always trying to help someone out in need.  Me and my husband give an enourmous amount of our time and money to those who need it, we arent cold hearted,  but rather, step in when no one else will...

Anyone else have a two faced heart?