life changing experiences

so im a young girl, only 23. i am single, live at home with my parents. my dad is my everything. he is my world. although he is also my enabler. scary realization honestly. i do not drive, he takes me everywhere i need to go. well recently my dad became sick. not near death but could have been. his right ankle started to swell beyond control, doctors had mentioned that his skin might not retract properly. he was in the hospital for seven days, was released without a diagnoses on Christmas Eve. (best christmas present ever!) i just wish they had known what his issue was at the time. well he was home one day and the swelling was pretty severe again. it now was more so in his knee then in his ankle. all that i was thinking was that this was something related to his heart (he has very high blood pressure) and i was scared that it was a blood clot and that he would die of a heart attack one night. very scary thought. now he was home about a week and he had a doctors appointment with the circulation specialist. This doctor finally was able to help him somewhat. His veins had calapsed, a while ago. One specific vein is the one causing all of the issues, and he got an infection caused by "rotton blood". now next week he goes to this same doctor again and has a consultation for an operation to repair what they can, and to cut and tie off the very bad vein, and to clean out the "rotton blood" build up. they had said that they can only do this operation IF his heart can take it. and that if they do this, that it will not eliminate the problem, but it will lessen it. i really hope his heart can take it because seeing my father in all this pain, is something im finding very hard to be able to take. he is my hero, my rock, and the fact that he is so helpless right now just kills me inside.

during the 7 days that he was in the hospital, 2 of them i was snowed in, completely alone. the one girl who shall remain nameless, who has been my "best friend" for years now, did not want to leave her boyfriend to come stay with me. eye opener #1 of this weekend. during the blizxard, i walked to wawa to get something to drink and eat, maybe i should be driving by this stage in my life? my dad would always go, i never had to before...eye opener #2 of this weekend. the fact that i wanted to move out on my own, but waited until daylight to fall asleep for two days...im nuts. eye opener #3. when it came to sunday night i had work and it was a blizzard outside, i don't work in walking distance, so i needed to find away there that was not SEPTA. the one person i can say was true through out this experience, is someone i met about 4 years ago, Jen. she was my teacher and is now my boss....but this girl is there for everything with me, she is my best friend (maybe not always while at work LOL but always not in work) she allowed me to stay at her house until Christmas, so we could drive into work together. by the end of the week i felt like a complete idiot. like i was annoying, and a burdon. now she didn't make me feel that way, it just kind of came over me. my mood started to change into a depressing one. i would try my best to write it out everynight, but after 3 nights of crying myself to sleep. i couldn't do it anymore, there were no tears left. but what was i crying about? by wednesday, i knew my dad was gonna be coming home from the hospital and that he'd be ok. but why was i still such a mess? all weekend and monday and tuesday i played it cool. guess i played it all off a little too much.

i dont cry infront of my family. it is rare that they see me upset. Jen says i keep myself too distant from the right people, and not distant enough from the wrong ones. well after christmas i was still on the verge of a breakdown. but WHY is all i kept asking myself. and on New Years Eve i proved Jen right in a sense. i had my breakdown, but i blamed her. within ten minutes of blamming her for the way i felt, i realized i was wrong. but i couldn't figure out why i was wrong. as of today me and Jen are ok. she understands that i kinda in a way went a little nuts. well now she makes jokes about me being mental. no wonder she thinks i am though. LOL it all makes sense on why she'd say that. i was pretty mean to her. thinking back on it, i don't understand why i would do that to someone who gave their home to me when i was in need, and not only that but is there all the time, and is my best friend. now i realize that i need to get my drivers license and a car. i need to move on and not depend so much on my dad, clearly it won't last forever, so i need to forever change that....

i feel as though this painful experience for my father, was meant in many ways. to show him how to finally relax, to show me that he won't always be around. and probably so many other things that just aren't clear to me just yet.

thanks for taking the time to read my very first blog. im sure not all will be this long. please stay with me as i blog my way through my confusion. any input will be appreciate never denied. 2010 is meant to "go deo athru". love you all!