Doctor's Appointment

I had a follow-up with my nephrologist today, only my second appointment.   After exchanging pleasantries he told me I may need a bone marrow scan or kidney biopsy.  My brother-in-law who is an oncologist/hematologist had told me I just needed to be monitored every 3 months with blood and urine tests.  In no time at all I was spiraling downward as I had much of this fall.  With that news I headed back to school to teach 8^th graders who really don’t care about math and I can’t say I did much today either. 

With bad news I have a tendency to jump to worst case scenario and if I can handle that then I don’t worry (as much).  Admittedly, the news today wasn’t bad, per se.   But with more testing comes more results so the possibility is present.  Anyway, in this situation I’ve concluded the worst case scenario is death and that’s where I start to struggle.  It’s not my ego but my reality.  I was divorced over seven years ago and since then I have raised and continue to raise four children on my own.  My ex lives thousands of miles away, sees the children rarely and pays child support well, never.  If I die what becomes of them?  They’re only 9 – 16 years old and need a mom.  After all I’ve been through I think I deserve to be the one to raise them.  I realize I’m jumping to conclusions but the burden is so great some days and my resolve so tentative that I fall to pieces - as I have in writing this.  Tears have fallen and with the release comes the familiar realization that despite my fear (and anger?) I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other as we all do.