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Making Lasting Changes
- By Passionate Preston
- Published 08/4/2009
- Changing Behavior
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While I was walking the other morning, I was thinking about how hard I used to be on myself when I attempted to make a change and I was not consistent. I would back slide and there would be long gaps of time in between trying to change again. I would beat up on myself, berate myself for not being focused and committed. Discipline was a bad word because I could not demonstrate it.
In my spiritual walk as well, I would start meditating everyday and then lo and behold days, weeks and months would go by and my meditation practice fell by the road side and I would do the same thing, berate myself and beat up on myself so much that I would end up feeling so guilty I wouldn't even try to start my practice again.
Somewhere in my experience I finally got "it" that Spirit doesn't operate like humans do. Spirit is way more forgiving and would rather we just notice the behavior and start again. Guilt isn't necessary, self flagellation, even with just words, isn't required as some sort of payment for not getting it right the first, second, third, fourth or fifth time around.
Our culture is very in to pointing fingers at who is at fault, or who did it wrong and we learned this behavior well. Many times we are harder on ourselves than even all the fault finders in our lives. This conditioning though, I realized over time, was more of a set back than being inconsistent in my attempts at change could ever be. It really wasn't so bad to know I messed up. I began to make it ok and just try to do better the next time.
During this same walk, I recalled reading (in an Oprah magazine) about a study on how people make change. I do not remember the statistics but the point of the article was that people don't generally just decide for example to stop smoking and never pick up a cigarette again. Initially they may stop smoking for a week and then find a cigarette in their mouths and maybe they smoke for another month or two or even a year. Then they decide again that they are going to quit. And maybe this time they stop smoking for three months. But maybe some stress comes along and they just need the crutch and bam! they are back smoking again. However, this time they only smoke to get through the stress and then they stop again only this time they may stop for 6 months.
The idea being that most of us make changes over time with a kind of 2 steps forward 3 steps back affect - even without beating ourselves up. And then at some point you have developed a habit or practice that you don't have to think about and the change is truly made.
I figure it probably took years and years to get where we are and change is not just going to be an about-face, one-time-only event. So I might as well look at it as Spirit does. Be gentle and forgiving with myself and notice the 'back sliding' times - maybe even try to see if there is a pattern to those moments that precede the backward moves - and just say OK, no big deal, let me start again. If I do detect a pattern, try to address that rather than beat myself up which only makes me feel like "What's the Use?" and avoid making the desired change for another long long period.
When I practice forgiving behavior instead, I notice that those lapses in the changes become shorter and shorter and I get back to the change I want to make a lot sooner. I'm sure there are those who would argue the "just do it" method is what we should do. My response to that is admittedly we're probably not really ready to make the change and that's why we don't just do it. And that's ok too. This back and forth must be our way to get used to the idea until we are truly ready.
I share this so that if you're struggling to make some changes, I want to assist you with avoiding getting discouraged and depressed and thinking (and living in) What's the use? The use is that you might be positively impacting your health, your creativity, your emotions, your bank account - whatever - even if it's only for a week, or month, or year at a time. Just know that over time, if you keep at it, you will get there - you will finally make and live the change.
Choose Peace!
Passionate Preston
In my spiritual walk as well, I would start meditating everyday and then lo and behold days, weeks and months would go by and my meditation practice fell by the road side and I would do the same thing, berate myself and beat up on myself so much that I would end up feeling so guilty I wouldn't even try to start my practice again.
Somewhere in my experience I finally got "it" that Spirit doesn't operate like humans do. Spirit is way more forgiving and would rather we just notice the behavior and start again. Guilt isn't necessary, self flagellation, even with just words, isn't required as some sort of payment for not getting it right the first, second, third, fourth or fifth time around.
Our culture is very in to pointing fingers at who is at fault, or who did it wrong and we learned this behavior well. Many times we are harder on ourselves than even all the fault finders in our lives. This conditioning though, I realized over time, was more of a set back than being inconsistent in my attempts at change could ever be. It really wasn't so bad to know I messed up. I began to make it ok and just try to do better the next time.
During this same walk, I recalled reading (in an Oprah magazine) about a study on how people make change. I do not remember the statistics but the point of the article was that people don't generally just decide for example to stop smoking and never pick up a cigarette again. Initially they may stop smoking for a week and then find a cigarette in their mouths and maybe they smoke for another month or two or even a year. Then they decide again that they are going to quit. And maybe this time they stop smoking for three months. But maybe some stress comes along and they just need the crutch and bam! they are back smoking again. However, this time they only smoke to get through the stress and then they stop again only this time they may stop for 6 months.
The idea being that most of us make changes over time with a kind of 2 steps forward 3 steps back affect - even without beating ourselves up. And then at some point you have developed a habit or practice that you don't have to think about and the change is truly made.
I figure it probably took years and years to get where we are and change is not just going to be an about-face, one-time-only event. So I might as well look at it as Spirit does. Be gentle and forgiving with myself and notice the 'back sliding' times - maybe even try to see if there is a pattern to those moments that precede the backward moves - and just say OK, no big deal, let me start again. If I do detect a pattern, try to address that rather than beat myself up which only makes me feel like "What's the Use?" and avoid making the desired change for another long long period.
When I practice forgiving behavior instead, I notice that those lapses in the changes become shorter and shorter and I get back to the change I want to make a lot sooner. I'm sure there are those who would argue the "just do it" method is what we should do. My response to that is admittedly we're probably not really ready to make the change and that's why we don't just do it. And that's ok too. This back and forth must be our way to get used to the idea until we are truly ready.
I share this so that if you're struggling to make some changes, I want to assist you with avoiding getting discouraged and depressed and thinking (and living in) What's the use? The use is that you might be positively impacting your health, your creativity, your emotions, your bank account - whatever - even if it's only for a week, or month, or year at a time. Just know that over time, if you keep at it, you will get there - you will finally make and live the change.
Choose Peace!
Passionate Preston
