LOVE DOESN'T HAVE TO HURT!

DEAR FRIENDS -- Most people have difficulty in their relationships because of unhealed -- often unconscious -- fear and pain they have about needing and loving. Understanding the nature of love, and how it differs from need, is a crucial piece of self-awareness that helps you to love happily and successfully. I'd like to share a message I sent to a friend/student regarding the pain she feels when she loves and needs someone. Do you see something of yourself in what I'm describing? I hope my words bring liberating clarity and self-compassion to those of you who struggle to be happy in love! LOTS OF LOVE -- BRYAN................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... HI BRY -- I'm beginning to realize that all my life I've felt pain whenever I've wanted to be close to somebody. Either I'd be afraid, or sad. As I'm learning about love -- especially how to love and nurture myself! -- in your classes, it's becoming clear that love doesn't have to hurt! But I'm still a long way from being able to love freely, with no fear. Why does something so good and beautiful feel so complicated -- yes and even scary? LOVE -- _______ ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. DEAR _______ That deep association between love and pain you've always had comes from it being so painful to love your Mom. The longing to be close to someone -- which is part need and part love/affection -- will automatically trigger in your body what you felt when you longed for your Mom. She was very unstable -- alcoholic, self-absorbed -- so needing her meant you would be hurt. Over and over and over again, through the years. So an intense conditioning that it hurts to love went deep into your body. And loving her meant your love wouldn't be returned, except in very small amounts and mixed in with a lot of your Mom's problems....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... It would be very helpful to be brave and look at the ways loving and needing your Mom brought you pain. By seeing this piece of your life really clearly it will be easier to separate what happens in your present-day relationships from the past. And you will finally be able to mourn, and heal, the negative associations you have carried about love................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. At some point learning to distinguish between sensations of love and sensations of need/longing in your body will be important. They usually mix together -- that is normal. Love is a full, warm sensation that feels satisfying just to have. The feeling of love is self-fulfilling and it's own reward! Need and longing is a hunger which requires an emotional or physical connection in order to be satisfied. It's just like being hungry for food, but the food here is closeness with the person you need. For most people, needing has pain "stuck" to it because the need to be close was met with all sorts of dysfunction by the parents. But think for a second -- doesn't it feel good to be hungry for food, if you know that you are going to have a great meal? So needing closeness -- whether it's emotional closeness, or affectionate touching/holding or sex -- SHOULD feel good! Because there should be an expectation that the longing will be met. But dysfunctional childhoods load disappointment/fear/guilt/shame onto our natural longing for closeness and that's what must be healed! Hope this makes sense. Here's to loving without fear and needing without pain! LOVE -- BRY