Because of recent events, and lifes rough situations I thought it would be best to create a completly anonymous, honest blog to let out my most inner feelings, without the fear of being judged..Well here it goes, My First Blog.
           

        Its crazy how one event can alter your life so drastically. One minute your fine, happy even,  ready to start the day, and the next your on your knees collapsed with heart break, your seemingly perfect world shattering to peices all around you, right before your eyes. This is how I felt the day I found out my best friend in the world, Leigh, tryed to commit suicide. 
        It was a tuesday morning like any other, I had just woken up for school, about to jump into the shower when I saw my phone flashing red, I had gotten a text. Now who would be texting me at seven in the morning? I reached for my phone, it was Leigh's boyfriend will call for the sake of privacy Charlie.  "Lee tryed to kill herself, she's in the hospital right now on suicide watch."
I read the text over and over maybe a dozen times. My head began to spin and my heart began to race rapidly I could here it through my ears, my hands shaking, I dropped the phone as I walked into the hall into a daze, was I dreaming? A wave of guilt washed over me, my heart aching, how did I not see this comming..? My mother walked towards me, fear in her eyes as she could see something was going on. 
"Whats wrong?"
My knees began to shake and gave out as I fell onto the floor, streams of tears running down my cheeks.
"Lee tryed to kill herself last night" I was finally able to let out.
"Oh my God.. oh my God!"
I felt dizzy as my mother tryed to calm me. As I sat on my bed I realized the phone was no fucking way for someone to find this out, when endless questions were bound to follow. I texted him back, "Meet me at school, we need to talk."
 I couldn't sit here and mope all day, I needed to go to school, I needed more answers.

As I walked up to the door of my school, I looked up at the darkening sky, I tryed to calm myself, bitting my tounge to stop the tears from comming, as I tryed to think of the possitive. She wasn't dead.. she was alive. She was alive she was alive.
As I got into the school I saw one of our friends from our main group give me a huge smile and wave as he walked towards me, it was visible he had no idea. I wasn't going to be able to control myself any longer as I told him we needed to talk somewhere privatley. As we walked to a desserted hallway on the other side of school, I could feel the pressure on my heart building. When we finally got there I burst into tears as I fell to the floor. He hugged me and asked me what was wrong. Whats going on!
I couldn't bear to look him in the face as I told him the news. There was a long, cold, silence. When I finnally looked up I saw that his face had fallen, tears welling up in his eyes as we hugged and cryed in eachothers arms for a good five minutes. We needed eachother.
           
The whole day after that was a blur, there were still so many unanswered questions..

As the news broke to our main group of friends we all met up in a trusted teachers room and sat together all of us in a daze, just asking why. why. why. As we met up with Charlie it was clear that he was just as clueless as we were. We all just sat there, all together holding eachother. I began to sob I couldnt control it, what if, what if, what if just kept running through my mind, horible imaginations of what could have been. We all must have gone through ten boxes of tissues that day. 

As days went by we finally were able to get some answers, her mother called us, told us she was sleeping but we would see her soon.When we finally did, it was the hardest thing in the world, seeing her look so fragile, so pale and helpless.. All of us just sat there as we told her we loved her and that she could come to us for anything and she better know that. As I held her it was obvios she was holding onto me for the longest as she finally got enough strength to whisper "i'm sorry."
And even though there we many questions still left unanswered, her just being there, holding us with a smile, I knew everything would work out in the end and for me, that was more then enough.